How to Keep a Bull From Stabbing You


bullfight

Having a bull stick his horn through your neck and watching it protrude up through your mouth has to be a pretty shitty feeling.
Angry BullDOMINGO BOTAN / AP
On the positive side of things, once gored by a 1200 pound bull, nobody can take away your man card. And when guys are standing around comparing scars, you’re just going to make everyone feel silly.

The image above is the bloody battle scene between bull and matador, Julio Aparicio, which resulted in a six hour surgery to fix a couple large holes in the throat and tongue. Aparicio’s palate didn’t fair too well either.

While a few holes in the head from a bullfight is likely to provide a lot of manly respect and some serious bragging rights, it’s not a worthy goal. It’s like the guy who steps on a landmine to save his best buddy and lives to tell about. Everyone respects him and wants to hear his story but nobody want to be him.

Julio attributes his ass-kicking to lost footwork in the ring and found the secret to keeping a bull from stabbing you lies in balance. Conclusively, a career as a matador might require working in some balance exercises and reducing vertigo (proper training is also recommended).

We recommend consistent repetition of footwork routines, such as one might find in a dance class. Seriously… avoiding a horn through the head is worth just about any price, even the occasional practice in tights and ballet shoes. If you desire to retire and maintain a high quality of life, don’t be like Julio Aparicio.

Advanced tips include not bull-fighting at all and not putting the Running of the Bulls on your bucket list.

Trying to prove your manly worth by seeing how close you can come to death is so yesterday. Today’s man is a smarter breed. He needs only beat a team of his peers at fantasy football or be successful at investing stocks to be “the man”.

The best advice of all is to simply not let an uncastrated male bovine animal charge you at full speed and spear your melon like a grapefruit.

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