I’m one of those lucky married guys who still enjoys the quiet, intimate moments with my wife. We don’t go at it like we did in that first year of marriage, but we manage two or three times a week. After five years of marriage and two newborn children that are now both toddlers, we feel like we’ve done pretty well to keep the flame burning.
But marital sex is far different than casual sex or being with your partner back when everything was all new and passion was at it’s peak.
Marital sex is still great, despite the popular misconception that being with the same person for the rest of your life is a curse man must live out as punishment for staying true to the sacred vows he commits to on his wedding day.
The trick to keeping sex fantastic when you’re married? It’s understanding that the emotion and intensity produced in the bedroom is a result of your relationship outside the bedroom. The better your relationship, the better the sex. It really is that simple.
Okay, it’s the concept that’s simple. In practice, it’s more difficult – but if you love the woman you’re going to spend the rest of your life with (and hopefully you do), you owe it to yourself, and her, to put the extra work in.
Grabbing the Broom
I make my entire income online. I write articles for several media outlets. I design websites for clients assigned to me through a local agency. I buy and sell stocks. I create WordPress plugins and sell them for residual income. I also do Remote Administration for a local company than is without an IT staff.
Point being.. I spend a lot of time on the computer. I’m also very active when I’m away from my computer but with an e-list that just tends to grow bigger by the month, I’ve learned that it’s never too later for one more cup of coffee.
What this means, in terms of my relationship, is that I have to plan for time in the evening with my wife. I’m not talking about hanging out in the same room and shaking my head in acknowledgment to everything she says. I mean taking a few moments every night to put the computer down and be with her – cuddling on the couch, rubbing her back, playing a game together or having a real two-way conversation.
A couple weeks ago, I was planning for this time together yet again. The kids had gone to bed and my wife started cleaning the living room and kitchen while talking to me about her day. I was working on a new website and waiting for her to sit down for the evening when she asked me to help move some boxes upstairs.
I was in design mode and not crazy about the timing of her request. I realized I was now going to have even less time to work on my online projects this evening. Still, I obliged.
We carried up the boxes together and as we were putting them in our spare room, she mentioned that she would love to go through some of the older boxes and reclaim some space. I certainly didn’t want to start on that at the moment but she asked if there was any way I could do that with her tonight or sometime in the near future?
I was about to employ my oft-used college learned skill of procrastination – but as I looked around the room, I realized that it was already well past the point of needing a good cleaning. I considered my online project again and realized that I could just as easily put that off for now. It wasn’t anything that had to be done tomorrow. I just have a hard time stopping once I get started with something – and especially when that “something” is what I enjoy, such as design.
I said, “Sure. Let’s do it,” and she gave me a look of complete surprise. She knows me well enough to have expected me to play the procrastination card. As she ran over and gave me a hug, I instantly realized that I had made the right decision.
So there we were.. unpacking, organizing, trashing and cleaning. Most importantly though, we were enjoying that time together – joking with each other and taking trips down memory lane when we found something we had stored away years earlier. Two hours later, we were finishing up and as I grabbed the broom downstairs, I turned around and there my wife was – stark naked and holding the dust pan.
“Can I help you?” she asked with a big grin.
I suddenly didn’t see the need to sweep as being emergent. I rushed over, picked her up and as she tossed the dustpan aside, I opted to throw her down on the living room carpet, right in front of the fireplace.
We had sex like a couple of wild animals. It was absolutely amazing.
Yeah, we were both pretty dirty from all the cleaning, but when you have two toddlers you get used to a lot worse. I can’t count the number of times I’ve thrown a bath towel over a big spot of urine because a child makes a 3am visit to my bed and decides that it’s the perfect time to empty his bladder.
The sex on this particular night was the best it had been in a long while. It’s never bad – it’s just that sometimes, it’s really, really great.
As I complimented my wife on her splendid idea, she confessed that she had been thinking about it the entire time we were cleaning together. In truth, the thought had crossed my mind a few times as well.
What Just Happened?
Thirty minutes later, my wife had showered and gone to bed. I put the computer up for the evening and grabbed a book. As I stretched out on the couch, I layed the book on my chest and pondered why sex can sometimes be so damn amazing?
From a physiological standpoint, the same thing happens every time so the only “x-factor” involved is emotion.
I realized that our moments of intimacy are often relegated to “quickies” that occur in between those moments of finally getting our kids to go to sleep and turning on the TV to catch whatever the DVR recorded earlier in the evening.
In short, we don’t typically get to focus on each other and love each other like we did this evening – before the sex.
And it wasn’t just the extra time alone. Had we spent the same amount of time sitting in the living room talking to each other, we would have likely ended up in the bedroom, enjoying time alone – but the usual routine would have dictated the usual sexual emotion.
We owed this sex to the cleaning. Getting that room in shape lifted our spirits. Any man who has ever owned his own home and mowed his own yard understands the spiritual experience of cleaning something up that is his. It’s a simple thing that brings joy to the soul.
When you indulge in a spiritual experience with someone you love, it heightens all emotions. Sexual desire is an emotion that involves cognition. As we cleaned that room together, we shared new experiences, expressed new emotions and stimulated each other with no intention at all. We loved with no expectations.
The best thing about sex is love. Many a young man might disagree with that but wise is the man who understands it. The best parts of life always involve expressions of love.
Then again, maybe I’m over-thinking everything. Maybe she was just turned on by the rare sight of me with a broom in my hand. Either way, I can’t wait to clean the house with her again.